Out of the Woods and Back Again

I don't claim to know everything... although i'd like to think i'm mentally older than i really am (like maybe... mid 30's), but in all honesty, i'm probably not. I'm 21, i have two kids and am happily married (before you judge me too harshly, know that those two kids came at the same time!)... Now i know what you're thinking, i get it all the time, "you're too young" and all of that nonsense. It wasn't my plan to get married at 19, and have 2 baby boys right before my 21st birthday (before i even graduated to a horizontal drivers license). I fell in love and it felt right, and given the chance, i would make the same decision over and over and over again. My husband adores me and our babies, and my 3 boys are everything to me!
We have a good life... even a GREAT life! Although it hasn't always been easy, we have seen the hand of a most loving Heavenly Father, as well as many miracles. I believe with all my heart and soul that there is good, there is happiness, and there are things to be grateful for, as long as we are willing to look.
One of my greatest trials started may 19th, 2013 at about 1am, when I went into premature labor at our cabin, 2 hours from the nearest hospital (more on that later)... The next day i gave birth to 2 very tiny little miracles; at 28 weeks, baby A was born at 2lbs 9oz, and baby B at 2lbs 10oz... To all mothers who have been there,  or who are struggling with similar trials now, my advice is to pray for strength, trust in the Lord, and SMILE! That may sound odd to you... There was a time when I honestly could not picture holding my baby while standing up, or seeing them without tubes and wires covering them, or laying them on a blanket next to each other, or laying with them in bed! The next 2 and a half months went by VERY slowly. I was there from sun up to sun down almost every day, hardly even bothering to take care of myself. Whenever I got discouraged, which I did a lot- I recall locking myself in my closet and sobbing on the floor the first time we came home from the hospital without our babies, until my husband found me, and I was crying too hard to tell him he was accidentally hurting me when he tried to pick me up and hold me close- my husband was there to encourage me, we had a lot of people praying for our family, and most of all I knew that our babies needed us to be strong, to SMILE every time we walked into their room, to be positive, and to look for all of the reasons why we were blessed.
When they finally came home, it was a glorious day! We spent 5 perfect days together when my baby A was suddenly struck with both meningitis and a UTI simultaneously (either of which could have killed him), nearly dying in my arms...I found myself rushing my sweet little baby to the ER, running red lights, trying to stay calm as i wiped the tears back, with my dad (an ER nurse who happened to be visiting) sitting next to me trying to keep my son breathing... Back to the hospital for another 2 weeks, this time harder and much more invasive... my heart broke more times than i could count by that point. But then finally, after what seemed like an eternity, we got to go HOME SWEET HOME (again) where we continued with in-home care.
The truth is, there was much to be grateful for, and it does get better! I know without a doubt that Heavenly Father was very involved, and continues to be very mindful of my family. I know this because i have felt Angels all around me in times of heartbreak and fear for my babies;  I have felt the prayers of family and friends; I have literally seen miracles, and continue to see miracles every time i look into the faces of my chubby, wide-eyed, beautiful baby boys... Do not be too afraid to love your children too much, for fear that you are going to lose them. Be grateful that you have them to begin with. Life can wait, take the time to count your blessings and hold onto them tight, and remember to SMILE.

The first time we held them!

             

Brooks (baby B)

Rafe (baby A)

Now,  at 10 months old